Jan 1, 2020:

I had intended on writing daily about the exploits of becoming a new father at the age of 49 and all that that encompasses. Now I find that more than 3 months have passed, it is the first day of a new year and decade, and the twins are almost 15 weeks old (Monday).

Maybe part of the problem, other than laziness, procrastination, and having "no time", is that its very difficult to try and encapsulate this experience in words.

What has gripped my heart is a force greater than any I have known . Already in their short life Sienna and Sedona have given me more joy than I have ever known, thought was possible, or imagined that I deserved. To awake to these two smiling faces fills me with a feeling of contentment, hope,happiness that starts on the inside and emanates outward until it has gripped my face and contorted it into a huge smile, coupled by tears that are pushed back.

Its not that the tears are bad, its just that Sienna stops smiling briefly when she sees them. She looks at me with this look of questioning, is if she is asking what are these things that are ruining this smile, as if they don't, somehow, belong in the moment. She is very wise.

When Sienna looks at me she seems to look like through. No questioning, no doubt. A look that

draws you in to the present, where everything is perfect, just as it is.

Once I imagined seeing my recently departed mother's fully matured spirit behind Siennas unwavering stare.

Sienna is happy and peaceful and kind. She does not complain, in fact infrequently cries for any reason. When she has needs, she makes them quietly and briefly known vocally. She then waits patiently knowing she will be taken care of quickly and lovingly.

Sedona is a character. Early on she was anxious and hyperreactive. The least thing seemed to make her cry, and the lightest sound or movement would wake her from a fretful sleep . Slowly ,as she was caressed, snuggled, fed by her amazingly patient mom, she began to calm down. Now she is a happy, curious baby, who knows just what she wants. Always wanting to know whats going on around her, she doesn't like being held where she cant see. She has to have her head above a shoulder. Always looking /feeling/moving , her intelligence already showing clearly.

goodnite